Raindrops keep falling on my head. They keep falling.

No, I do not intend to write romantically about the rain.
It is raining. It is such a beautiful time to be.
Hooked to Baroque music, since the rains began.
And of all the four seasons, Spring is the best, Mr. Vivaldi.
 :)

Half a day

Red wine. White wine. Rain. Pepper mint tea. Brownie Shake. French fries. Hugs. Chicago. Life. Another day gone by. Gems.

Learning.

Is learning that cribbing is not a solution.
That it is not an option even.
Is learning that fears are meant to be faced, straight and square.
That sharing them doesnt make them go away.
Is learning that your fears are yours alone.
To each, his own.

Is learning that an island of serenity can exist amid an ocean of turbulence.
That it is a splendour that cant fade.

In the meanwhile, I have stocked upon books and novels, to keep myself amused.  Classics included.

Contemplating life from a calm vantage point

Yours truly is reading Vikram Seth's "A suitable boy", one of the longest novels in English. And has absolutely no idea when she is going to ever finish it, considering how her daily life now resembles that of  the road runner. Anyhow, she was particularly riveted by the following lines, where Pran Kapoor a Minister's son goes into a pensive mood and observes what his father has to deal with, being a public figure: "The headaches, the overwork, the responsibility, the lack of control over one's own time, the complete absence of opportunity to contemplate the world from a calm vantage point: these mattered little to him"

While she is extremely thankful she does not have to deal with the first item on the list (viz. headache), she does seem to be having a lot of the remaining. Except that:
1. The items in the said list matter EVERYTHING to her.
2. She is not a public figure. Not even close, not even a little bit.

It gives her 1the shivers, when she tries to contemplate if this is the life in wait for her. Well, since she is also suffering from the "complete absence of opportunity to contemplate the world from a calm vantage point" [which, incidentally happens to be her fav line], she shall now return to drafting a regular second appeal, for someone whose property has been sorta taken over by his neighbours.

Bye bye her problems, hello problems of the world.
  

The invasion of the pen and the paper!

Aha! You heard it right. It's a new year, and I have a new diary.
So we're courting now.
If ever the romance gets soured and strained, you will be here no, my rebound guy,
So long, my blog!
Ciao.

Chess Board.

My life has started resembling a chess board where all the pieces are scrambling with each other, vying for my attention. And only I am absent from the field.
Cribbed, cabined and confined (and jobless) and not allowed to apportion time the way I want to do it and ridiculously unable to explain/apologize to any of the participants.

Surrealism

Dictionary: Surrealism, n. Pure psychic automatism, by which one proposes to express, either verbally, in writing, or by any other manner, the real functioning of thought. Dictation of thought in the absence of all control exercised by reason, outside of all aesthetic and moral preoccupation.

Encyclopedia: Surrealism. Philosophy. Surrealism is based on the belief in the superior reality of certain forms of previously neglected associations, in the omnipotence of dream, in the disinterested play of thought. It tends to ruin once and for all other psychic mechanisms and to substitute itself for them in solving all the principal problems of life.

Context: The ice cream shop, savouring a cup of what they described as Pineapple flavoured frozen yoghurt. Wondering why we are in a closed shop and not outside, taking in the wind that smelled of freedom and municipal solid waste.

J: This is the 'time of your life', this is when you should be free and having fun.
A: You wont get this time back, you will be really busy after sometime. This is when you should keep time aside for yourself.
S: You're a workaholic. You dont like free time, do you?!

They must really think I lead a sad, miserable life!
"What probably confuses people is they know a lot about me, but it quite pleases me that there's more they don't know"
 I feel surreal about the whole thing.
But more importantly, I feel happy, content, satisfied, peaceful.

 

Of pieces falling into places.

Well, we have come much better - from the battered, worn out phase in which I wrote the last entry.
I wasnt really happy with what happened at the court. No, I was not just not happy, I was really disappointed and sad about the fact that I made such a big, yet silly mistake.

Imagine this. You're moving the court on an urgent matter. How could you have not written in your petition what the urgency was all about? Well. Yea, I did not write that major part! *sighs*

Anyhow,Ladies and Gentlemen, that depressing phase is passe now.
The matter has been disposed off today, and very much in our client's favour. Got two months' stay, and hopefully he'll be able to find himself on his own feet within that two months.

And equally importantly, I cleaned up my room. Only the harder part of the work remains to be done - washing a lot of dirty clothes and scrubbing clean the bathroom floor. Both of which will be done by tomo morning! :)

And slowly, but surely I am starting to get a grip on what is happening in the legal profession!



 

 

Of transitions. And of visualisations.

Transitions are not easy. From a rhythm, you jump and cross the space till you find the next rhythm. I am making one such jump!

The previous act had a nice rhythm to it. Newspapers, magazines, internet, reading, writing, learning, catching up with friends, no responsibilities, no worries, and no cash either. It was a headache, but it was an unworried, unhurried life, slowly, gradually working towards the exam. Watching in pleasure as you make the pieces fall in place. One by one. Bit by bit.

So, now. The exam has been given. And we are all waiting to know if we have written enough to reach the next phase.

I like reading books that have vivid descriptions. That is because I myself like visualizing. I visualized my life events often. I often visualized the exam preparatory phase I went through just recently. It was like jumping between two major continents separated by the Ocean of  Uncertainty. The Ocean of Uncertainty is not a homogenous one. It is fed by many rivers and the waters never really mix. Uncertainty is predominant, but not the only one. There is hope and there is despair, there is happiness, and there is sorrow, success and failure, sweet and bitter times, optimism and pessimism. There are humans who once fell into the Ocean and chose not to swim back to the place where they started, but instead to remain there and begin coaching institutions that worked like sweat shops.

When you decide to give the exam, you stand on a piece of land and you strive to reach the other major piece of land. The exam is the jump. You make the jump in three parts.

This the peace time visualization. That is, when I am doing normal. There is another visualization I have imagined up, when I am feeling uncertain, anxious and scared about the decision to jump. It is that of a  strange looking contraption going down a very steep cliff. A free fall, totally out of control, and without any guarantee or certainty, where I am both the driver and the passenger rolled into one, and the only one interested in knowing the fate of the journey.

Oh, I started talking about transitions and ended up in visualizations. One transition I underwent recently is when I decided to try my hand at a couple of things that I have never tried before. Like the Legal Profession.

This transition has been kind of harsh. It seems to leave with me very little time for anything else. And energy.  Give me a holiday, and I sleep in. Like I did today. Till the afternoon. My room is a mess, still. I have got to clean up. I am not a neatness freak, but I am not a shabby person. But shabbiness is the only word that would even begin to describe the state of affairs inside my room.

This mixing together sweaty clothes with the freshly laundered ones, this tossing of smelly socks into the basket and letting it be there for an eternity, of not sorting stuff on the table, of not dusting the many layers of dust that has settled on everything inside the room, of not scrubbing the bathroom till it becomes the epitome of dirtiness, of sleeping in between all the mess, of waking up and not caring about the way things are, of not wanting to care, of not wanting to touch the newspapers, of not wanting to reply to mails, are all part of a rhythm I am all too familiar with. It is what I do when I want work piling up and then plunging into it.
May be I was just meant  for hard physical labour, and not for intellectual labour as these. May be I must respect that dictum, and stop blogging now, start cleaning the mess up.

Apprehensions.

So there is a black gown, a white collar, a white band.
A whole lot of people.
A whole lot of troubles and a whole of cases.
Big cars, big roads, big judges, big buildings, big courtrooms, big files, big world.

Wow.

And then there is me.

I cannot even comprehend what is it that I apprehend.

Ah yes, will this be the new normal?

If it becomes so, then so be it.

And yes, don't lawyers feel 'hot' inside their black robes?
Well then maybe I should ask them to try and fight for sartorial modifications.

Not exactly apprehensions, but a sort of laziness induced inertia.
And the need to finish off the books I am reading.

:)

PS: My keyboard's 'k' is on strike. I've to really force it to become a 'k' onscreen. Is k's a dirty role?
PPS: No reference whatsoever to the 'kay' I know, but considering kay was christened kay by who-you-know, kay could have been conceived by ulterior motives. :P
PPPS: I watched the movie Trivandrum Lodge yesterday. Well, it was funny in the beginning and then the movie ended. It wasnt bad. It was good in parts. It was intended to have a philosophical meaning. I am sure, I didnt get whatever they intended people to get. :D

Goodbye Tippu!

Goodbye Tippu!

Wherever you are, I want you to know that I have always been and will always be proud of you, of your love, of your affection, of your company.

I have always been very proud of the fact that you looked totally cute and handsome.

I remember when you first came to us, you were a cute little snowball, so cute and white with two small black spots for your eyes and an adorable snout with a black button for your nose. And you (ate so much) and grew up so quick and fast.


I've always wondered why you were perenially hungry; I have always wondered if your tummy was just an endless pit of hunger.


I've always been amused by the fact that you were scared and shy when it came to loud noises, lightining, strange people.

I will never forget the day when you scared off a thief by simply barking at him, even when you were shit scared yourself.

You drove me crazy and (very) angry when you did not obey me, when you licked and swallowed all the soap/shampoo while you were being bathed, when you did not let me brush your coat properly, when you stayed ugly and smelly, when you vomitted your food right after you ate it.

I've been in awe of you, when you held your bladder for hours together and not spoil the place and patiently (though not silently) waited for us to wake up (in the middle of the night) to let you loose.

I hated the fact that you ate MUD.

I hated it even more when you fought violently with Tim and ended up injuring yourself and him.

I adored it when you wildly and crazily wagged your tail when you spotted any of us. I always knew at such moments that I would never get such unadulterated, passionate, selfless love and affection from any other creature, but my dogs.

You must know that there were times when I intentionally ignored you, when I acted cruel to you, when I thought you were being plain lazy. But there have also been times when I indulged you, when I was extremely sweet to you.

No Tippu, you were not a perfect dog. And I was never a perfect human to you either.

And I am sorry you weren't my favourite one here.

But I know we loved and adored each other. And  I miss you sorely. I miss your barks. I miss being woken up at night by you. You do know that Timmy is not quite the barker, dont you? Oh, did you know that we brought you home, back in 2000, because he wouldnt bark at all? And after you came, it has been a loud household. Now it has become suddenly quieter. It was difficult the first night after your death. Now we are all getting used to it.

You must know that Timmy misses you and feels very lonely here. Chedathi misses feeding you and fretting over you. And Amma - she is the one who misses you the most. You must also know that you made her do a lot of work - cleaning up your vomit every single day and night, spending so much time feeding you the right way so that your food would go properly down. She took such good care of you. She was your real mistress, you must know - the one who did all the work without seeking anything in return. The rest of us, just gloated on her behalf. Without you, she has a lot of free time now, but still, she misses you very much. Achan misses you - though you had always been too lazy to go walking with him. Chettai misses you. I always thought you were his favourite dog. I havent asked. I dont want to ask now.

You must also know that the day you died, I didnt believe you were gone. Yes, I wanted you to die soon, I didnt want you to suffer for long. But it was beyond me when I actually saw you dead. And then suddenly I realised that, in the end, my weak hearted, scared boy, who always wanted to be in our midst and hated being left alone, died all alone, and that he died a very lonely, very painful death. When I realised that, I was overcome by grief and guilt, and I fainted right next to you. Twice.

I hope you ate the biscuit I left for you in your grave. I am sorry Dad didnt let you take your black collar with you. You looked very smart and cute, with it on your neck. He said you would love to be free, at last. He threw it over the railway track, I just didnt want to see it again.

I dont know Tippu. I love you. And I miss you. That's all I want you to know.

I dont want you to miss any of us. I want you to be happy and free and merry. And eat all that you want, as much as you want.

Life! Or something like it!

Not very often do we get the time or patience to become reflective of our lives and the beautiful people in it that make it worth living! Yup, so the point is - currently Miss Gee is in one of those weird moods where she tries to delve deeper into stuff that happened and why those happened and what she learnt from them. And, as rightly inferred, she wants to blog about some of it. 

Disclaimer: This post carries a 100% risk factor of becoming drab, dreary and dry. Please move away, at the very first getaway.

Well, the setting. The obscure little Southern capital city. The L-shaped, suffocating, hostel room. Fun loving friends. A demanding exam - so demanding that Miss Gee's life since the study began has been life-less, friend-less, fun-less and even food-less! Not that it is a pre-requisite, but Miss Gee belongs to a particularly nauseating tribe of wannabe-serious-geeks that she has tried to avoid what are "perceived distractions". Bad move Miss Gee, that one. Very bad move!

Okay so back to the setting. Miss Gee was learning - quite a lot. And boy wasn't she amused!?

For the first time ever in her life, Miss Gee was sharing space with somebody who actually knew how to well, let's just say, look good and feel good. Not that Miss Gee hung out inside trash bins with smelly street urchins; but she and her creed had never cared beyond the very necessary and minimal stuff. Not that caring more would have changed much anyway! ;)
But this episode in Miss Gee's life was, honestly speaking, a revelation. That mirrors had in them the power to literally petrify homo sapiens, and hook them onto their own reflections. Maybe it is an occupational hazard of being beautiful and wanting to maintain the beauty all day long. So what did Miss Gee learn? Well, yes, make better use of the mirror. But nah! Miss Gee should just stick on to the old policy of seasonal obsessions and seasonal outbursts of consciousness. Honestly Miss Gee, I think even that would be too much to ask of you - considering your blissful illiteracy when it comes to such matters.

Now let us skip to lesson number two. So who was the genius who believed Eve was created from Adam's rib bone? Yea, some unlettered imbecile. But it seems Miss Gee is the only one who never really took the story in. Eves are supposed to stay weak and coy. Adams are the strong, macho ones who sort of enjoy pampering Eves, and are continually amused by them. Miss Gee, may be you're another sub-species. You really don't seem impressed by their conduct, do you? Yup, that's right. There are instances where Miss Gee thought she'd throw up! Nah. I don't like the condescending, superior tone in Miss Gee's thinking. Miss Gee is being a little too snobbish here. Remember - just let them be - is Miss Gee's official anthem!

Yes lesson number three. Miss Gee got to listen to a number of very interesting stories - mainly matters of the heart. Even Miss Gee told her companion her story, but Miss Gee had already forgotten crucial links in the story, and her poor companion had to make do with a very broken hole-some story. Not that Miss Gee didnt intend to, but Miss Gee had actually lost track of many events. Yes, but she did intentionally hide the more painful parts of the story, involving the elaborate scheming that had broken her heart.
And the lesson she learnt was that, when it comes to matters of the heart, not just her, but pretty much everybody is a doofus. She found that it was so endearing to know that human emotions can actually be hilarious, esp when viewed as an independent third party. But no, Miss Gee is not judging on them. She has been there, done that. Plus Miss Gee thoroughly enjoyed the company.

All in all, Miss Gee quite enjoyed the trip and the people in it. She wouldn't trade the world for them.
:)

Desiderata

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious  ambiguity…”
– Gilda Radner

Desiderata (Latin: "desired things", perfect passive participle of desidero) is a 1927 prose poem by American writer Max Ehrmann (1872–1945). Largely unknown in the author's lifetime, the text became widely known after its use in a devotional, after subsequently being found at Adlai Stevenson's deathbed in 1965, and after spoken-word recordings in 1971 and 1972. [Wikipedia]

The full text:

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.


If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.


Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.


Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Now hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_F3KRPM0Ls 

And the year is done :)

Well, almost so!

Before I begin, I want to say: Happy birthday to me!
Yup, today is indeed my birthday. No matter who forgets it, I will always try to remember this one day, as long as I live, of course!


I like having an end-of-the-year birthday. It is the most festive time of the year, and I share the glory with Christ (his was 2 days back) and the coming year's birthday, which is due in 5 days from now. Which also means cakes are around, which I can pass off as my own birthday cakes.

Well, all that aside, lets take a quick look at how eventful this one year was. I mean all years are eventful, but 2011, you are(were) a B.I.T.C.H! Of course, the nice kind of bitch! ;)

#1. Started the year in tears, crying over an absolutely pointless point! Whoa. Glad that I did so. Have actually got over it and learnt to graduate to serious things.

#2. For the most part of the year (read 11 and a half months) I isolated myself from the rest of human civilsation under the excuse of having to study for civil services exam. Well, I did need the isolation, but not quite sure if that was the correct strategy. I definitely didnt need the bouts of loneliness. But that should NOT be interpreted in the light of #1.

#3. The turbulent world around. I dont know if it is because I am preparing for the civil services exam that this suddenly seems to make more sense than it did to me in the past. The Arab uprising, the Islamic spring, the killing of the dreaded Bin Laden, Qadafi, the global population hitting 7 million, the continuing recession, the Eurozone crisis, Norwegian attack, Julian Assange and his wikileaks, the flash floods and deaths, Anna Hazare and protests, mindless and continued disruption of the Parliament, wrapping up of NASA's space shuttle missions, the derailed climate talks, the piracy menace, famine in Somalia, the birth of South Sudan and the suppression of possibility of birth of Palestine as an independent nation. And closer home we have been having a very sour fight with TN over Mullaperiyar. Doesnt really sound bright, does it? On the brighter side, the World Cup win, F1 race coming home.

#4. On the personal front, this is how I shall sum it up: 'if you begin an year in tears, your year can only get better than that!' :)
The point being, I let myself get hurt over somebody's misplaced (perverted?) sense of humour and after I learnt the hard way to get over trivial people and things! Which I consider a very very valuable lesson.
Emphasising this alone would be a disgrace to the greater blessings that came my way. So let us forget about the sore point and focus on the real ones:
*Academically, legally, literally and figuratively, I struck gold! Thrice over, and more! ;)
*I passed CS (P)! Which was a very humbling moment. And my Mains went well, save for two papers.
*I made new friends - a couple of very nice people, I've a feeling they are here to stay.
* YES I finally got rid of my facebook account. It is a facebook-free life! :)

#5. What 2012 looks like, from here: When an year is as long as 365 whole days, 366 in 2012, it sure is not going to be an absolute-total-bag-of-roses, but at least, the beginning does look good. What with the big fat 'WEDDING' and the welcoming of Atma home, it sure does look great.

All I know is I have got to get rid of the clutter and the sloth, get back on my schedule.

Letting go! :(

C'est la vie! Sigh!
*SNIFF SNIFF SOB SOB*
:(

Sometimes you really have no choices to pick from!
Imagine the pain when you are handed out heartbreaks by one of the world's most unkindest,unimaginative and uncreative creations!

Well, what's gone is gone. I mean, there is no coming back. I'll just have to wait till it grows back. :(

My hair!

To cut a long story short, I went for a little trim, because my hair was coming off at the ends, and before I know it, the dimwit has half my hair cut and GONE!

:(

P.S: Niki is right, I should NEVER EVER subject my head to disasters by imbecile WOMEN who masquerade themselves as hairstylists! Contrary to what feminists say or believe, its a men's world! I'll vouch for it! All thanks to moronic women BARBAROUS BARBERS!

P.P.S: I hope she'll find the reference 'barber' indecent and defamatory!

Happy Birthday to you!

Well, looks like I am not really content with spreading others' words. I seem to like writing my own. So be it. Once again, one of my own.

Happy birthday to you.
Birthdays invariably mean getting older.
Losing the freshness.
But I love you still.
For having stood with me through it all.
All these three years.
Well, to be frank, you were the only one who got to listen in to all my conversations and to see all my texts - the good ones and the not-so.
Through all my fortunes and foibles, pleasantries and slugfests, virtues and vices.
You were there when I jabbered, when I smiled, when I laughed and when I guffawed.
You stood by me, without judging me, through all my silly temper tantrums, and occasionaly when I did break into tears.
And you have this uncanny ability to capture the best moments and frame it for eternity.

I know, during the Jessup troubles, Reshma threw her laptop charger at you and broke your head.
I know, I ignored your injury for a while and took you to the hospice only when you really couldnt take it any longer.
But we both know how much we missed each other when you were away there, waiting for your doctors to mend you back.
And you do know how glad I was to have you back in my life.
I know Vineeth accused us of being in an illicit relationship. Of course he'll never know it all.
I know they say you're a goner, because you're antique.
I know they think I'm silly, for not catching up with the times.

But let us just let them say whatever they want to.
Because, whatever your other failings, I still find you as beautiful as you were on the day we first met.
And with legitimate pride, I say: I've taken care of you - awesomely.

So here we are, three-years of courtship and still in love with each other.
And here's to you on your fourth birthday - a warm hug and a sweet kiss.

Even if I am forced to ditch you and go for another partner, you should never for a moment forget - I'll never have another like you, my first love, no matter how old and cranky you may become.

Happy birthday Susie Derkins, my mobile phone and PR port.

A little of me! Sigh.

Circumstances are such that I desperately want to rant - to my heart's content. I want to write my heart out - now that sounds a little weird. Never mind. I just want to write. Now 'write'? Wrong. Type. Mainly due to the fact that I can type quite fast, without having to search for keys. But more so because I am quite dumb when it comes to writing on a piece of paper with a real pen. We dont have options (keys) to delete or backspace the stupid words - which I profusely produce. Enough of it. I want to write. And why? Because I miss life. Sigh. Really. * I miss waking up in the morning thinking about what to wear today and where I want to go and who I want to meet. Ask me why. Because I dont go anywhere these days. * I miss meeting people, wondering how weird we all are.* I miss going on LTC vacations. I hate to admit this - but I miss the twice-a-year luxury of business class air travel where I get to sit on bigger, wider, comfy seats. * Even worse, I hate having to look at other people jump with joy and pack their bags to leave for vacations when I have, emm, NONE.* I miss the part where I could read whatever I want to. * I sometimes get tired of my real tight schedule. And I then get this urge to jump into a pool of water and just lie there - without sinking, of course - like a yogi.* I hate the part where I lose all energy to do things I loved. Like say watch a movie, do some ghost writing for people, wreck horror in kitchen with my recipes that invariably flounder. * I hate the part where I am constrained to go off facebook, because: [1] people when they remember keep asking if and why I'm still not done with my exams. [2] the same set develops an interest in the result; [3] they put up pictures so full of life that I dont really have. * I hate the part where it rains and all I do is just stare at the rain and not get drenched in it. I hate the part where I begin to miss being out in the rain, with an umbrella that just wouldnt stay put, getting into all the potholes filled with the dirtiest waters in the world. * I truly absolutely loathe the part where I miss people I dont want to even think of - in normal times. * I hate the part where I know there are less than two months to go for the exam, and I need to buck up, or I'll just waste the chance, and despite this, I seem to run out of motivation and patience.* I hate the part I am blogging - in public - about all the little failings on my part, writing little (nothing) about the little things that still do cheer me up, of people who really support me through all this, of my own little self who puts up with myself through this. Well, I know its still a happy self I have with me. Worse, I hate the part where I know nobody's gonna read this. No. I am thankful for that - because I know I'm heaping a lot of shit here. * But this one's true - I dont like the fact that I am missing yoga for writing this. So here we go. I'm off to unfold the yoga mat. :)