Surrealism

Dictionary: Surrealism, n. Pure psychic automatism, by which one proposes to express, either verbally, in writing, or by any other manner, the real functioning of thought. Dictation of thought in the absence of all control exercised by reason, outside of all aesthetic and moral preoccupation.

Encyclopedia: Surrealism. Philosophy. Surrealism is based on the belief in the superior reality of certain forms of previously neglected associations, in the omnipotence of dream, in the disinterested play of thought. It tends to ruin once and for all other psychic mechanisms and to substitute itself for them in solving all the principal problems of life.

Context: The ice cream shop, savouring a cup of what they described as Pineapple flavoured frozen yoghurt. Wondering why we are in a closed shop and not outside, taking in the wind that smelled of freedom and municipal solid waste.

J: This is the 'time of your life', this is when you should be free and having fun.
A: You wont get this time back, you will be really busy after sometime. This is when you should keep time aside for yourself.
S: You're a workaholic. You dont like free time, do you?!

They must really think I lead a sad, miserable life!
"What probably confuses people is they know a lot about me, but it quite pleases me that there's more they don't know"
 I feel surreal about the whole thing.
But more importantly, I feel happy, content, satisfied, peaceful.

 

Of pieces falling into places.

Well, we have come much better - from the battered, worn out phase in which I wrote the last entry.
I wasnt really happy with what happened at the court. No, I was not just not happy, I was really disappointed and sad about the fact that I made such a big, yet silly mistake.

Imagine this. You're moving the court on an urgent matter. How could you have not written in your petition what the urgency was all about? Well. Yea, I did not write that major part! *sighs*

Anyhow,Ladies and Gentlemen, that depressing phase is passe now.
The matter has been disposed off today, and very much in our client's favour. Got two months' stay, and hopefully he'll be able to find himself on his own feet within that two months.

And equally importantly, I cleaned up my room. Only the harder part of the work remains to be done - washing a lot of dirty clothes and scrubbing clean the bathroom floor. Both of which will be done by tomo morning! :)

And slowly, but surely I am starting to get a grip on what is happening in the legal profession!



 

 

Of transitions. And of visualisations.

Transitions are not easy. From a rhythm, you jump and cross the space till you find the next rhythm. I am making one such jump!

The previous act had a nice rhythm to it. Newspapers, magazines, internet, reading, writing, learning, catching up with friends, no responsibilities, no worries, and no cash either. It was a headache, but it was an unworried, unhurried life, slowly, gradually working towards the exam. Watching in pleasure as you make the pieces fall in place. One by one. Bit by bit.

So, now. The exam has been given. And we are all waiting to know if we have written enough to reach the next phase.

I like reading books that have vivid descriptions. That is because I myself like visualizing. I visualized my life events often. I often visualized the exam preparatory phase I went through just recently. It was like jumping between two major continents separated by the Ocean of  Uncertainty. The Ocean of Uncertainty is not a homogenous one. It is fed by many rivers and the waters never really mix. Uncertainty is predominant, but not the only one. There is hope and there is despair, there is happiness, and there is sorrow, success and failure, sweet and bitter times, optimism and pessimism. There are humans who once fell into the Ocean and chose not to swim back to the place where they started, but instead to remain there and begin coaching institutions that worked like sweat shops.

When you decide to give the exam, you stand on a piece of land and you strive to reach the other major piece of land. The exam is the jump. You make the jump in three parts.

This the peace time visualization. That is, when I am doing normal. There is another visualization I have imagined up, when I am feeling uncertain, anxious and scared about the decision to jump. It is that of a  strange looking contraption going down a very steep cliff. A free fall, totally out of control, and without any guarantee or certainty, where I am both the driver and the passenger rolled into one, and the only one interested in knowing the fate of the journey.

Oh, I started talking about transitions and ended up in visualizations. One transition I underwent recently is when I decided to try my hand at a couple of things that I have never tried before. Like the Legal Profession.

This transition has been kind of harsh. It seems to leave with me very little time for anything else. And energy.  Give me a holiday, and I sleep in. Like I did today. Till the afternoon. My room is a mess, still. I have got to clean up. I am not a neatness freak, but I am not a shabby person. But shabbiness is the only word that would even begin to describe the state of affairs inside my room.

This mixing together sweaty clothes with the freshly laundered ones, this tossing of smelly socks into the basket and letting it be there for an eternity, of not sorting stuff on the table, of not dusting the many layers of dust that has settled on everything inside the room, of not scrubbing the bathroom till it becomes the epitome of dirtiness, of sleeping in between all the mess, of waking up and not caring about the way things are, of not wanting to care, of not wanting to touch the newspapers, of not wanting to reply to mails, are all part of a rhythm I am all too familiar with. It is what I do when I want work piling up and then plunging into it.
May be I was just meant  for hard physical labour, and not for intellectual labour as these. May be I must respect that dictum, and stop blogging now, start cleaning the mess up.

The Call.

I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.
Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.
But always it says: Wake up, my love. You are walking asleep.
There’s no safety in that!
Remember what you are, and let a deeper knowing
color the shape of your humanness.
There is nowhere to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.
There is no waiting for something to happen,
no point in the future to get to.
All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.
You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.
Come home and rest.
How much longer can you live like this?
Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.
Give it up!
Let yourself be one of the God-mad,
faithful only to the Beauty you are.
Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,
dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.
Remember, there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don’t be tight-lipped and stingy.
Spend yourself completely on the saying,
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

If you want a reading, 
 
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bwsM7bw0XM&feature=related

The Invitation

The Invitation
                  -- Oriah "Mountain Dreamer"

           

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

A friend of mine shared this, and thank you so much for that Sadu! :)

Apprehensions.

So there is a black gown, a white collar, a white band.
A whole lot of people.
A whole lot of troubles and a whole of cases.
Big cars, big roads, big judges, big buildings, big courtrooms, big files, big world.

Wow.

And then there is me.

I cannot even comprehend what is it that I apprehend.

Ah yes, will this be the new normal?

If it becomes so, then so be it.

And yes, don't lawyers feel 'hot' inside their black robes?
Well then maybe I should ask them to try and fight for sartorial modifications.

Not exactly apprehensions, but a sort of laziness induced inertia.
And the need to finish off the books I am reading.

:)

PS: My keyboard's 'k' is on strike. I've to really force it to become a 'k' onscreen. Is k's a dirty role?
PPS: No reference whatsoever to the 'kay' I know, but considering kay was christened kay by who-you-know, kay could have been conceived by ulterior motives. :P
PPPS: I watched the movie Trivandrum Lodge yesterday. Well, it was funny in the beginning and then the movie ended. It wasnt bad. It was good in parts. It was intended to have a philosophical meaning. I am sure, I didnt get whatever they intended people to get. :D

Goodbye Tippu!

Goodbye Tippu!

Wherever you are, I want you to know that I have always been and will always be proud of you, of your love, of your affection, of your company.

I have always been very proud of the fact that you looked totally cute and handsome.

I remember when you first came to us, you were a cute little snowball, so cute and white with two small black spots for your eyes and an adorable snout with a black button for your nose. And you (ate so much) and grew up so quick and fast.


I've always wondered why you were perenially hungry; I have always wondered if your tummy was just an endless pit of hunger.


I've always been amused by the fact that you were scared and shy when it came to loud noises, lightining, strange people.

I will never forget the day when you scared off a thief by simply barking at him, even when you were shit scared yourself.

You drove me crazy and (very) angry when you did not obey me, when you licked and swallowed all the soap/shampoo while you were being bathed, when you did not let me brush your coat properly, when you stayed ugly and smelly, when you vomitted your food right after you ate it.

I've been in awe of you, when you held your bladder for hours together and not spoil the place and patiently (though not silently) waited for us to wake up (in the middle of the night) to let you loose.

I hated the fact that you ate MUD.

I hated it even more when you fought violently with Tim and ended up injuring yourself and him.

I adored it when you wildly and crazily wagged your tail when you spotted any of us. I always knew at such moments that I would never get such unadulterated, passionate, selfless love and affection from any other creature, but my dogs.

You must know that there were times when I intentionally ignored you, when I acted cruel to you, when I thought you were being plain lazy. But there have also been times when I indulged you, when I was extremely sweet to you.

No Tippu, you were not a perfect dog. And I was never a perfect human to you either.

And I am sorry you weren't my favourite one here.

But I know we loved and adored each other. And  I miss you sorely. I miss your barks. I miss being woken up at night by you. You do know that Timmy is not quite the barker, dont you? Oh, did you know that we brought you home, back in 2000, because he wouldnt bark at all? And after you came, it has been a loud household. Now it has become suddenly quieter. It was difficult the first night after your death. Now we are all getting used to it.

You must know that Timmy misses you and feels very lonely here. Chedathi misses feeding you and fretting over you. And Amma - she is the one who misses you the most. You must also know that you made her do a lot of work - cleaning up your vomit every single day and night, spending so much time feeding you the right way so that your food would go properly down. She took such good care of you. She was your real mistress, you must know - the one who did all the work without seeking anything in return. The rest of us, just gloated on her behalf. Without you, she has a lot of free time now, but still, she misses you very much. Achan misses you - though you had always been too lazy to go walking with him. Chettai misses you. I always thought you were his favourite dog. I havent asked. I dont want to ask now.

You must also know that the day you died, I didnt believe you were gone. Yes, I wanted you to die soon, I didnt want you to suffer for long. But it was beyond me when I actually saw you dead. And then suddenly I realised that, in the end, my weak hearted, scared boy, who always wanted to be in our midst and hated being left alone, died all alone, and that he died a very lonely, very painful death. When I realised that, I was overcome by grief and guilt, and I fainted right next to you. Twice.

I hope you ate the biscuit I left for you in your grave. I am sorry Dad didnt let you take your black collar with you. You looked very smart and cute, with it on your neck. He said you would love to be free, at last. He threw it over the railway track, I just didnt want to see it again.

I dont know Tippu. I love you. And I miss you. That's all I want you to know.

I dont want you to miss any of us. I want you to be happy and free and merry. And eat all that you want, as much as you want.